I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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