She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
