I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
