Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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