Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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