They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
