I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I cut my penus on the lid.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
