Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
