sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize