it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize