No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
