My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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