I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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