I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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