By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
