I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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