Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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