my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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