so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
