My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
