Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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