grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
im six kinds of drunk right now
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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