all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
