I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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