Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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