Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
