i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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