If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
