So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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