When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
