We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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