I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
