saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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