Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
