I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
