I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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