Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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