worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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