I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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