she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
