I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
