Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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