Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just forgot I was standing up.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
