he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
