My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
