i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
