Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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