Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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