first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
