She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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