The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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