I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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