my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
