My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
