Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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