I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
