Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
